Time to move on, you aren’t in the same situation anymore, you are supposed to be in a better place.

This is what I hear in my head when things go bad. This is the story I tell myself. I tell myself that I shouldn’t be living in the past, in the hurt and shame I once felt. What I really should be telling myself is that I survived a part of my life that didn’t go as well as I would have liked. What I need to tell myself is that it doesn’t matter where I was headed, I am here now and be thankful that I went through the hard stuff and arrived on the other side.

I have shame that I was never good enough to be better than how I ultimately am. I have shame that I allowed myself to be treated in ways that damaged me. I have shame that I was not good enough. I have shame that I have allowed myself to continue to feel shame for past experiences. I have shame that I am not where I thought I would be.

Reality: I shot for the stars and landed in the clouds.

When I was in college, I had dreams of graduating and entering law school and being a licensed attorney by age 30. When that didn’t pan out, I entered the Air Force with dreams of getting back on track for a great future. As I began my Air Force career, I had no real dreams of necessarily making it my career. Initially, I wanted to do something that was important and allow me a chance to navigate the world before I “grew up.” I always had that as a possibility, but then I met the love of my life and things changed slightly. He allowed, and continues to, support me in the choices I make, together with him, for our family. I ended up staying in and getting into the career field that I had always dreamed of being in. Things were good. I was learning and excelling. I was moving around sections.

Then I was sent on a deployment where I was still learning what it meant to lead others. I made mistakes, felt like I was learning from them. I came home and was immediately moved into a busier section. While I was beginning to learn my new duties, I was also learning to take on a section. This wasn’t easy and was not quick. Ultimately, I felt like I had missed out important learning opportunities in the office while I was deployed. This then lead me to feel as if I wasn’t good enough. I then started seeing everyone around me getting pregnant and here I was still waiting. Still waiting and still not being patient.

Why do I mention all this? Well, I mention it because the way I have been feeling is not new. It’s not new in that I have doubted the reason why things happen they way they do. Or that things are different for each of us. None of us has the same story. Comparing ourselves to each other is just the same as saying we are not good enough for ourselves.

The truth is: we are only as good as we allow ourselves to be. We can sit and strive all day to better than the person next to us, but if we don’t strive to be a better version of ourselves, without putting ourself down, we are not doing ourself any justice. It’s ok to say, “you are good, you are enough, and you are where you are meant to be.”

Maybe I was never meant to land in the stars. Maybe I was meant to show HOW to shoot for the stars so that my amazing daughter WILL land there.